Chocolate Enlightenment.

“Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn’t, it is of no use”. ~ Carlos Castaneda 

I just returned from a vacation to Belgium – Brussels, to be exact. While I was there, I was also able to take the train over to England and visit my brother. It was extremely cold, yet the entire time, my heart was extremely warm – because in the end, I was doing exactly what I most wanted to be doing.

the whimsy of Brussels.

Back in August, I booked a trip – an African safari. It sounded super cool – yet while I was booking it, something was causing me hesitation. I couldn’t put my finger on it – I wrote it off as fear, and I laugh in the face of fear! Or do I?

Anyway, as the trip got closer, I started thinking that I might not want to go. I began asking myself why. It sounded really cool, it would be super brave of me to go by myself to Africa, and I told everyone I was doing it! So what was the problem?? Was I afraid to go alone? Was it too close to Christmas? I thought these must be the reasons (along with getting shots – I HATE needles) so I decided I’d try and exchange the trip or possibly postpone it, with the hopes that I’d want to go at a later date.

Well, that was not in the cards – the agency I booked with refused to give me any options, saying it was too close to the trip and the policy stated I was entitled to $0 refund at this point. Yes, the policy did say that – no argument there. But having worked in customer service for many years, I had figured they’d be willing to work with me to either postpone or change the trip to something else, being they’d want to keep my business. No dice. They were of no help whatsoever. I had nearly given up, and thought I’d have to just either suck it up and go, or eat the loss and suffer shame over my fear – until something caught my eye. I noticed that my flight connected in Brussels, both ways. I’ve never been to Brussels, but I do love chocolate, and when looking on the map, it was also a short train ride to London, so if my brother was free, I could visit him, too. Thinking upon it further, I realized I could do a chocolate shop walking tour of Brussels, just like the Paris Patisserie Tour I did last summer! I quickly emailed my brother, who called me back immediately (which is rare, for him, ha ha) and he said I should definitely come out. Kismet.

there is beauty on even the coldest of days.

Next thing I know, I’m buying train tickets, booking a hotel, and researching the best chocolate shops in Brussels. I wound up with a mapped out tour of 10 shops, and wouldn’t you know, I was able to hit all 10. The next few posts will be dedicated to the Chocolate Shop Tour of Brussels, so stay tuned!

a sneak preview of the tour.

I was nervous though – there were a lot of “what ifs” on this trip – what if the weather is really bad? What if I can’t figure out how to get up to NY for the flight? What if one of my trains is cancelled (would it cause a giant domino effect of missed transfers)? What if my flight gets delayed or cancelled? What if my brother is waiting for me and I have no way to call him? What if I have to check my bag, and it goes to Africa? And the biggest one of all – what if everyone thinks I’m a wimp for not going on the safari?

Well, as the trip came to be, I decided the best thing to do was to just take each step as it came. I made the flight. My bag made it to Brussels. I made my train (all of them, in fact). The weather was bad at times, but it had no effect on anything, including my inexplicable light heart. I ate a ton of chocolate, and had some really great laughs with my brother, who I miss terribly already.

taken on one of our escapades in a town called Norwich.

On the way home, I replayed the trip in my mind, and realized I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. I was eating chocolate. I was taking photographs. I was writing. I was spending time with my favorite person in the world. Yeah, it was 20 degrees outside, but I hardly noticed. When you’re following your heart, nothing else really matters.

it don’t mean it’s the end, cause you can’t see ’round the bend.

It wasn’t fear or shots or Christmas that ultimately changed my destiny – it was doing exactly what I wanted to do, regardless of what anyone thought. And THAT is the bravest thing of all.

 

All is Quiet…

Happy 2013, folks! It’s New Year’s Day – time for reflections, reorganization, and resolutions. I always believed that the tone of New Year’s Day laid the groundwork for the tone of the coming year. It could very well be a self-fulfilling prophecy, but either way, it does seem to hold some truth. So if this day, today, is in fact any indication of the coming year, I’ve got some things to look forward to! 2012 was a good year – a learning year; full of positive changes and some real quality time getting to know myself (allow myself, to introduce…myself).

It’s funny, but the first half of last year seems like a lifetime ago. The year really seemed to take shape for the good around mid-summer (which I aptly have nicknamed “Summer New Year’s), right after my return from the Paris Patisserie Tour. The trip changed me. It showed me that I can wander around a foreign city and be perfectly fine; it showed me that I don’t need my cell phone/laptop/facebook nearly as much as I thought; it showed me that I would be good whether with or without someone; it showed me that I really do have some actual writing and photography skills and that maybe the dream of being a writer was not so far-fetched after all; and most of all, it showed me that the world is a beautiful place and we are all in this together.

I went to Paris looking for pastries, and found myself.

After I returned, I wound up facing three of my biggest fears before the year’s end: two by choice, and one by force of nature (enter Hurricane Sandy). I’d say that 2012 was a benchmark year.

Last New Year’s Day, I danced around the house and sang raucously along with “You Get What You Give” and vowed to make that my intention for the year. Today, I didn’t dance quite so raucously, but I did get a little groove going, and thought about the pure and simple things in life, and how they are really what makes it all worthwhile.

dreams come bouncing in your head…

So here’s to a peaceful and harmonious 2013, full of love and greatness, pure and simple every time.

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

Living, Loving, and Giving Thanks.

Like many others, I was thinking tonight about all I am thankful for. There is much – very very much. More than ever before, I reckon. There are a number of reasons why this is so, from being more aware, to being more open, to giving more of myself – to name a few of the biggies. However, when I think about what I’m most thankful for, one thing comes to mind – and it may come as a surprise to many people. But if it were not for this, I would not be who I am today.

I am thankful for having my heart broken.

Since this fateful event a year and 8 months ago, I believe I have learned more about myself than I had in the 35 years leading up to that day. I learned that being alone is not the same as being lonely. In fact, the opposite is true – it took being thrust unexpectedly into being alone to finally free me of feeling lonely. It allowed me to let people in – really let them in – which was something I could never do before. Sure, I had lots of friends, and some of them I even considered close - but I often felt that they never really knew me. Thanks to my broken heart, I finally was able to share the “real” me with others. And it has made all the difference.

I made a conscious decision to never let my heart close again – to keep sharing, and growing, giving (and forgiving), learning, and most importantly, loving.

I’m thankful everyday for the pure joy of being alive; and for all the friends and loved ones I have the honor of sharing this with. You’re all in my life for a reason, and for that I’m eternally grateful and unquestionably lucky.

And even though in my old age I’ve become more of a Buddhist than a Catholic, I would like close this post with my favorite quote from the Bible – something that’s gotten me through many tough days, and maybe will do the same for some of you – good old Psalm 23: The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone. My world is a better place because of you.

 

Ramblings of an Astraphobic.

she came in through the kitchen window.

I live right outside of Philadelphia, and we are right now in the midst of Hurricane Sandy, the biggest storm to hit this area in my lifetime (that I can recall). Not only is this the biggest storm to ever hit this area, but it has come at a time in my life where there has been much change and growth. A storm of sorts hit my personal life about a year and a half ago – also the worst storm in my lifetime that I can recall. It knocked me on ass, so to speak. Everything I thought I knew – everything I believed in – all the walls I had carefully constructed over many, many years were gone, in one fell swoop. I woke up one day and realized I had no idea what the heck I was doing.

At the time, I was lost. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I asked “why me?” and “why do I have to work so much harder than everyone else?” Of course, I was wallowing, which is what we do when we don’t know what else to do. Thankfully, that phase didn’t last and I began to realize that now was the perfect time to do whatever I wanted to do. The walls were gone – the life I knew was gone. I was given a chance to rebuild, and I could do it however I wanted. I started taking yoga; I read some truly inspiring books; I found myself a mentor (or shoud I say, he found me); I started paying attention to the world around me. I realized that I had been surrounded by amazing people all along, if I had only opened my heart up enough to let them inside. So I finally did. Instead of tightly sewing it back up after it had been broken, I allowed it to stay open.; and it has made all the difference.

None of this was easy. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through in my life. But I would not trade it for anything. And I would even go as far as saying that I hope everyone can experience such a life-changing event. Having closed eyes and a closed heart is no way to go through life, son. Waking up isn’t always easy – but it’s worth it.

The reason I’m writing all this now, a year and a half later? Well, I’ve finally reached a good place. I’m awake. I’m alive. I love the world around me in a natural sense. I love the people in it. I am truly grateful for them, and the love in which they shower me with, unconditionally. You Get What You Give.

The storm is going to do what the storm is going to do. You will be ok. You are more than this. You will come out stronger. And so will I; as we all are part of each other.

So tell that person you haven’t talked to in a while that you miss them. Call that old friend you’ve lost touch with. Stop waiting and tell someone how you really feel about them.

“Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.” ~ Samuel Johnson

Stay safe, my friends. See ya on the other side – stronger and wiser.

 

For the Love of Baking.

I was in the midst of making a cake today, and I was just about finishing up, and upon looking at my near-completed work, I started to smile. I couldn’t wait to present the finished product to the intended recipient. I then asked myself, “why do you love baking?” And I came up with a list of answers, from practical, to chemical, to emotional. I’ve shrunk it down to 5 main reasons and of course now I’m going to share the list with you.

The Top 5 Reasons I Love Baking (in no particular order):

1. Chemistry.

I have a little obsession with chemistry. I love experimenting, and seeing how things interact with other things. A little known fact about me – my original college major was, in fact, Chemistry. Eventually, the arts won out, but I never lost that love for all things chemical. And baking, in it’s most basic form, is pure chemistry.

you gotta have the right chemistry..

2. Art.

As I mentioned above, the arts eventually won me over and swayed me from becoming a full-blown chemist. Well, guess what, folks? Baking is equal parts chemistry AND art! I love creating, and the possibilities for crafting an artistic masterpiece are endless in the baking world – from an artisan bread to a fondant birthday cake.

the next Mona Lisa.

3. Fun.

Baking is fun. Kids love it. I mean, I remember begging my mom to help her bake cakes when I was a kid! Maybe it reminds us of our youth; maybe it’s all the sugar and sweetness; but whatever the reason, baking is not considered work for most people. It’s something you do in your leisure time. And something I do in the majority of that time. I crank up the stereo, and dance around the kitchen, mixing, folding, stirring…and even catching myself using my whisk as a faux microphone. (Did somebody say “youtube”?).

some fun now.

4. Delicious.

Baked goods taste good. A sugary sweet buttercream…a warm sourdough loaf…a simple pound cake…whatever it is, I want to eat it, and just writing this is making my mouth water.

resistance is futile.

5. Love.

There’s nothing better than seeing the look on someone’s face when you give them something you’ve hand-crafted in the kitchen yourself – whether it’s a surprise birthday cake, something someone specifically ordered, or something you just felt like making. Baking creates joy – for both the baker and the bake-ee. And that’s really what this life is all about.

you get what you give.

 

What is Survive?

I heard a little boy ask his dad that very question this morning while running the LIVESTRONG Philly 10k race. The father was explaning to his son that they were running in honor of a friend of his, who had cancer. “He didn’t survive, ” the father said, to which the little boy responded, “What is Survive?”

I didn’t hear what the father answered, as I had already gone into my head, asking myself that very question. As I ran the rest of the race, I came up with a few answers:

1. It’s waking up for days in a row, feeling like you don’t want to get out bed, but doing it anyway, until the day you finally want to get up again.

2. It’s watching someone close to you suffer, knowing there’s nothing you can do about it, but be there for them, and allow them to inspire you to be better.

3. It’s being better.

4. It’s the voice that says “keep going” when you think you can’t take another step. You can.

5. It’s forgiving AND forgetting.

6. It’s enjoying, appreciating, and being grateful for the little miracles that are all around us and happen every day.

7. It’s constantly broadening your scope – you’re never too old to learn something entirely new.

8. It’s laughing, loving, and being with friends and family.

9. It’s taking full responsibiliy for yourself and your actions.

10. It’s living with your eyes open, being awake, aware, and alive.

11. It’s having fun while you’re at it. :)

A year ago today, I woke up and headed out to my first ever “official” race – The LIVESTRONG Philadelphia Challenge. It was a 10k, and I was anxious about running that distance. I was nervous, sad, and alone, and I cried on the way there. This morning, I headed out to that very same race, and again cried on the way- this time out of joy and amazement in the difference one year and 9 races can make in a person. Live strong and prosper, everyone. You’re worth it.

 

The Wind Beneath My Wings.

I just wanted to give thanks to two fabulous organizations for their ongoing love and support – the Association of Independent Authors and BookBaby. Without the help and services that these two groups have offered, I would not be the self-published cook book author you see today.

that’s totally me in a chef’s hat holding the book.

The Association of Independent Authors  is a membership organization representing, advancing, supporting and encouraging self-published (independent) authors. Their membership spans five continents, with directors based in the USA, Asia, Australia, and South Africa.

They truly go above and beyond to support and promote their members, and made me feel welcome from the second I joined, by reaching out with a personal email! To top it all off, they have featured me as the member of the month for August! I just wanted to personally thank them, and spread the word to other indie authors – definitely visit their website and take advantage of all they have to offer!!.

Without BookBaby, there would be no book. BookBaby offers both ebook and book printing services, and I took advantage of both, and couldn’t be happier! Thanks to BookBaby, my book is available for sale as an ebook  worldwide through all the major online retailers including Apple, Amazon, and Barnes & Noble, and in print as well (order your copy here!). Am I biased? Maybe a little. But the work they do is top-notch, and the support they’ve offered has been extraordinary, including a recent feature on their blog – check it out here!!

Of course there are so many other people/groups/companies/cats that have been more than amazing as far as offering their time, love, and support (you know who you are).  But let me just express my gratitude one more time to  the AiA and BookBaby - you guys rock. I don’t know what I’d do without you. Fo’ realz.

 

Heaven is a Place on Earth called Framlingham.

Framlingham, aka “A friendly place to linger,” is a small town in Suffolk, England, which I stumbled across serendipitously. I was doing some last-minute research for my upcoming trip to England and France – up to this point, I had neglected to do any research on anything in England and been focusing only on Paris and the pastry shop tour I was planning out (and of which I’ll be posting about in full detail in the very near future so stayed tuned!). I realized the day before I was originally supposed to leave (but did not – you can read all about that series of unfortunate events here)  that I hadn’t come up with anything to do in England. I was visiting my brother for that portion of the trip (I’m actually sitting in his living room in Bury St. Edmunds typing this!) so I really was just looking forward to spending time with him, no matter what we wound up doing. However, he was not able to take off work for the entire duration of my trip, so I was going to have some time to myself, which is not a problem for me – particularly in an unfamiliar place, as I love exploring the unknown. I decided I’d venture out on my own. Enter Framlingham.

A friendly place to linger.

I wanted to see castles. I wanted to photograph them with my new camera. So I started googling “castles in suffolk” and seeing what was near my brother’s crib, that I could easily take a train to. Framlingham was not only the closest, but also appeared to be the coolest. It was on.

the castle of my dreams.

I wound up not having to go alone – because I lost a day on my trip, things got shuffled around, and my brother decided the castle sounded pretty cool too, and he’d join me on my journey. So we went exploring together, which made it all the more worthwhile. The town itself was quaint, warm, and welcoming – my kinda place. As we strolled up the path to castle, we also passed an old church, which was incredibly beautiful and monumental in itself – The Church of St. Michael, it had been dubbed.

A friendly place to worship.

The Church was surrounded by old gravestones – so old, that we couldn’t make out what was written on any of them – except one. And although they were old, they were not the least bit creepy. Go figure.

A friendly place to rest in peace.

We continued on up to the castle, and as we crossed the field toward the castle entrance, reaching the top of the hill on which the castle was perched, I could not believe my eyes – I had never in my life seen anything more beautiful. Framlingham was more than just a friendly place to linger – it was stunning.

dreamland.

Now I don’t know if it was the weather, or that I was with my brother, but I as I looked out over the landscape surrounding the castle, I felt as if I were dreaming up this place, one frame after another. We wandered around the entire castle, soaking it all in, chatting, laughing, listening to many owls hooting, and taking as many pictures as I possibly could – I didn’t want to ever forget any of these moments.

one moment in time.

Of course, we had to leave eventually. But we left content – knowing we’d just experienced something truly monumental – both literally and figuratively.

Everyone has a place that changes them – one they feel connected to. Mine just so happens to be Framlingham. I’ll be back.

 

Yesterday’s got nothin’ for me.

Last night was ridiculous – like 90′s sitcom ridiculous.  But things are never as bad as they seem. Which is why I’ve decided to insert gratuitous pictures of lovely flora (all photographed by yours truly) throughout this post as a reminder that there is still a lot of good in the world.

Yesterday, there was so many things I was never told…

I have travelled a lot in my life – I’d say more than the average person. I’ve experienced delays, and even cancelled flights before. But last night takes the cake (see, I’ve managed to incorporate baking into this post too). I was supposed to catch a flight with a connection and wind up in London this morning, at 10am. I was leaving from a smaller airport, with my connection at a signficantly larger one. I arrived with plenty of time, only to discover that 20 minutes before I got there, my first flight was cancelled. I drove over an hour to get to this airport, mind you.

…Now that I’m startin’ to learn I feel I’m growing old.

Without getting into too much detail, I eventually was able to cry and demand my way into a re-booking that solved the problem, and was even better than my original itinerary. Things were looking up, it appeared.

‘Cause yesterday’s got nothin’ for me…

As I’m waiting at the gate for my new flight, a fellow passenger walks up and informs us that this flight is delayed at least an hour, so if you have a connection, you’re pretty much screwed. I did, and I was. Back to the phone to for another re-booking. This time, the only flight was at another airport, about an hour and 20 minutes away. It would be cutting it close, but it was worth a try. So out to the car I ran, and put the pedal to metal (which, anyone who knows me, knows how adept I am at driving under time constraints).

…Old pictures that I’ll always see.

I knew it was going to be close, and I was actually pretty sure that even the fastest driving in the world wouldn’t make it, but the woman on the phone (who was the most helpful person so far) told me to just try, and if I don’t they can re-book me there. Well, for the first time ever, I missed the turn for the parking lot at the airport – an airport I’ve been to and parked in 100 times. Any chance of making this flight at this point were now long gone.

Time just fades the pages in my book of memories.

I arrive finally, park, get into the terminal, and it’s completely empty – like Stephen King movie empty. A not very nice man appears, and tells me no one can help me, and then proceeds to ignore me. I stand there, and just lose it, no knowing what to do now. A very nice man then appears out of nowhere, and finds me help, via three extremely sweet ladies. Thank you very nice man and sweet ladies, karma is on your side.

Prayers in my pocket, and no hand in destiny…

Finally, I’m rebooked on a flight, but not until 24 hours later, but at this point, I just want to get home, relax, and put this all behind me. Not so fast, though. When I turn to leave, I realize I’m on the wrong side of the airport, and can’t catch the shuttle back to my car. Thankfully, a man actually went out of his way, and walked me to the other side. I have to say, there really are some good people in this world. I hope I can return all these favors.

I’ll keep on movin’ along with no time to plant my feet.

Luckily, this airport was actually the closer one to my house, so it was only about a 15 minute drive. However, I was bawling my eyes out the entire way, and it must have affected my driving, because, lo and behold, I see the flashing lights behind me, and I hear “pull into that parking lot” booming from the patrol car. I feel bad – I don’t want to seem like the girl who cries to get out of tickets – but I couldn’t help it. I was already sobbing before this happened. He was very nice. Again, my faith in humanity was being restored even more.

‘Cause yesterday’s got nothin’ for me.

So, even though my vacation has been delayed by a day, there are some valuable things I’ve learned from all this:

1. the cheapest flight is not always the best

2. there are some really good people out there, willing to help even a stranger

3. I am so lucky to have such wonderful friends and family in my life, who are always there to offer me support, listen to me vent, and cheer me up.

Thank you friends, family and strangers – you have all made at least one person’s life a hell of a lot better. Here’s to tomorrow.

 

The Heat is On.

I am a summer girl. I’ve always loved summer and defended it and all its glory to anyone who dared to say otherwise. That was before I became a baker and runner.

Over the past two years, I’ve been steadily increasing my skills in both. But during the last fall/winter/spring, I really put the pedal to the metal – graduating pastry school last December…

my pastry school “final”

…and running a half marathon in April.

13.1, baby.

So when this summer started, I was rolling steadily along, baking and running almost every day. Well, as the temperatures crept up (and boy, did they creep), I realized that the summer was having a negative effect on these very things that had become such an integral part of my existence.

Sure, I can work out inside, and yes, my kitchen is air-conditioned. But even so, unless the AC is pointing directly at my butt or buttercream, things start melting. So, as much as it pains me to write these words, Summer, it’s over. It’s not you, it’s me. Seasons change, people change – and you no longer fulfill my needs. I’ll always love you, and I’ll always think you’re hot.  And there will always be a part of me that misses you throughout the rest of the long, cold year. But alas, I’ve gotta do what’s best for me. I hope we can be friends.

thanks for the memories.

I know you’re upset, but you didn’t have to go and melt the ice cream I left in the kitchen just now. Jerk.